lynn: April 2007

ALOHA MONKEY

TWO NUNS SHOPPING

TWO NUNS WERE SHOPPING IN A FOOD STORE AND HAPPENED TO BE PASSING THE BEER AND LIQUOR SECTION.ONE ASKS THE OTHER IF SHE WOULD LIKE A BEER. THE OTHER NUN ANSWERED THAT WOULD BE GOOG,BUT THAT SHE WOULD BE QUEASY ABOUT PURCHASING IT. THE FIRST NUN SAID THAT SHE WOULD HANDLE IT AND PICKED UP A SIX PACK AND TOOK IT TO THE CASHIER.THE CASHIER HAD A SURPRISED LOOK AND THE FIRST NUN SAID"THE BEER IS USED FOR WASHING OUR HAIR" THE CASHIER WITHOUT BLINKING AN EYE,REACHED UNDER THE COUNTER AND PUT A PACKAGE OF PRETZELS IN THE BAG WITH THE BEER SAYING,"HERE,DON'T FORGET THE CURLERS"

DOCTOR PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY

A VERY SEXUALLY ACTIVE WOMAN TELLS HER PLASTIC SURGEN THAT SHE WANTS HER VAGINAL LIPS REDUCED IN SIZE BECAUSE THEY WERE LOOSE AND FLAPPING. OUT OF EMBARRASSMENT SHE INSISTED THAT THE SURGERY BE KEPT A SECRET AND THE SURGEON AGREED. AWAKENING FROM THE ANESTHESIA AFTER THE SURGERY SHE FOUND THREE ROSES CAREFULLY PLACED BESIDE HER BED.OUTRAGED,SHE IMMEDIATELY CALLS IN THE DOCTOR.I THOUGHT I ASKED YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE ABOUT MY OPERATION. THE SURGEON TOLD HER HE HAD CARRIED OUT HER WISH FOR CONFIDENTIALITY AND THAT THE FIRSTT ROSE WAS FROM HIM,I FELT SAD BECAUSE YOU WENT THROUGH THIS ALL BY YOURSELF. THE SECOND ROSE IS FROM MY NURSE,SHE ASSISTED ME IN THE SURGERY AND EMPATHIZED BECAUSE SHE HAD THE SAME PROCEDURE DONE SOME TIME AGO. AND WHAT ABOUT THE THRID ROSE SHE ASKED,OH,THAT ROSE IS FROM A MAN UPSTAIRS IN THE BURN UNIT. HE WANTS TO THINK YOU FOR HIS NEW EARS.

2 OLD LADIES AND A CONDUM

TWO OLD LADIES ARE OUTSIDE THEIR NURSING HOME,HAVING A DRINK AND A SMOKE,WHEN IT STARTS TO RAIN. ONE OF THE OLD LADIES PULLS OUT A CONDUM,CUTS OFF THE END,PUTS IT OVER HER CIGARETTE,AND CONTINUES SMOKING.MAUDE;WHAT IN THE HELL IS THAT? MABEL:A CONDUM.THIS WAY MY CIGARETTE DOESN'T GET WET.MAUDE:WHERE DID YOU GET IT?MABEL:TOU CAN GET THEM AT ANY DRUGSTORE.THE NEXT DAY MAUDE HOBBLES HERSELF INTO THE LOCAL DRUGSTORE AND ANNOUNCES TO THE PHARMACIEST THAT SHE WANTS A BOX OF CONDUMS.THE PHARMACIEST,OBVIOUSLY EMBARRASSED,LOOKS AT HER KIND OF STRANGELY [SHE IS AFTER ALL,OVER 80],BUT VERY DELICATELY ASKS WHAT BRAND OF CONDUM SHE PREFERS,DOESN'T MATTER SONNY,AS LONG AS IT FITS ON A CAMEL.''